“Can you play it for me?”

I look up from the book.

It is 2:00 AM and the rest of the entourage is busy eating wings and samosas and talking about going out to a club. But his pasta carbonara is untouched and he points to the worn copy of Liszt’s “Un Sospiro” that lies open in my hands.

“Will you?”

I put my fingers on the keys.

The opening melody breathes and expands and exhales into the Serena Hotel lounge. Forks pause, words fade into the night as a sigh – un sospiro – settles and fills the space. The song recalls memory, whispers of gilded moments, unveils ancient sanctuaries.

And then the fingers stop. The hands rise, the foot releases, the fingers lower into the lap.

He is silent. 

I open my mouth to speak, but before the question passes my lips, he says:

“Beautiful.”

***

I never intended to go to the concert.

For the past few months, Jason Derulo has peered down from billboards and crooned love songs over scratchy bus speakers on my daily commute to Rwamagana.

Ad agencies plastered Jason’s face and blasted his voice on every possible media outlet in Rwanda to advertise this year’s Primus Guma Guma Superstar Competition.

If I didn’t know who Jason was while I was living in the States (aside from the unmistakable “Jason Deruloooooo” at the opening of all of his songs), I certainly learned to recognize his face within weeks of Primus’ marketing campaign.

One day in March, just as I was leaving the Serena Hotel, a friend invited me to the set-up for the official launch of the competition. At the time, I posted a photo of one of the early announcement banners on Facebook.

Then, in June, my friend had extra tickets and I attended a live taping of Primus Guma Guma (basically Rwanda’s version of American Idol) which eliminated all but four Rwandan artists (Knowless, Young Grace, Jay Polly, and King James) from the running.

At the taping, Primus looped a short video sequence of Jason Derulo expressing his excitement about coming to Rwanda.

I remember thinking, “Oh, he looks like he’s a lot friendlier than Sean Kingston” (last year’s guest performer).

But even with all the noise and multiple mentions of Jason Derulo on my Facebook prior to the concert, my plans for the evening of July 28 were very quiet and decidedly Jason-Derulo-less.

At 8:00 PM, my friends were calling and texting that they were on their way to the concert. But I still had another hour of piano to play at the Kigali Serena Hotel, after which I planned to eat my usual dinner (tomato soup, a plate of mango and pineapple, black tea with ginger and honey), check my email at the hotel’s Business Centre, and then go home.

I told my friends that I would be staying in this Saturday. Then, I turned to page 54 and began to play Chopin’s Nocturne in E minor.

 

***

I used to hear President Kagame’s approaching motorcade blare its way through Kigali, sending cars and motos swerving to the side of the road to avoid the barreling line-up. I was usually one of those people on a moto, worrying about whether I had backed up all the important files on my netbook in case I fell into the ditch.

But now I was part of the motorcade.

The DJ and I were in the second vehicle, just ahead of Jason’s. Our driver was driving in both lanes and deliberately rushing toward vehicles that were too close to the line-up. I gripped the handles on both front seats as we came within inches of dozens of pedestrians on our crazed sprint to Amahoro Stadium.

It had all happened too quickly.

Rewind back to 9:00 PM. I was lowering the piano lid when the entourage walked in. One of them waved hi to me. I waved back. Next thing, all of us – except Jason who had gone upstairs to change – were grabbing drinks at the bar and doing introductions. The DJ asked if I was going to the concert.

“Wasn’t planning to,” I said.

“Come with us!” they insisted.

Now, I was in the VIP rooms of the stadium. Bottles of liquor and red bull were arranged on a table, the TV was playing an old episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Jason’s personal security guard, a towering 6’8’’ individual who also works for LeBron James, stood in the corner with shades over his eyes and arms tensely crossed. Jason’s brother (Joey) and twin cousins helped themselves to drinks.

The cue came. We stood around the table, joined hands in prayer. A resounding “AMEN!” later and we were off. The event organizers told us to keep our belongings in the room, so I left my wallet on the table and exited with only my phone.

On the way to the stage, a crazed fan peered into the car and asked breathlessly, “Jason?”

I rolled up my window.

***

We share stories of loss and difficulty that brought us to where we are. Since he was 5 years old he knew he wanted to be a pop star, but as a child, he struggled with asthma. More recently, the death of his cousin and the near-fatal accident in January that fractured his neck gave him a new perspective on life.

On his bucket-list – a family. On mine – a novel.

I share with him, Eudaimonia, a Greek word for “human flourishing,” a meaningfully well-lived life. A life that is more than the pursuit of happiness, a life that strives for true contentment which comes from doing what you love and doing what is meaningful and positive for the world. Maximizing impact.

“What should I do?” he asks, “I want to do something good. Can you create a cause for me, like a Jason Derulo Foundation? Can I hire you to start a project for me?”

I say no.

I tell him to search himself, to think about his roots in Haiti, or his childhood, the issues or difficulties he experienced growing up in Miami. I am tempted to tell him to start a project in Rwanda, but instead I urge him to find a cause that resonates with him – his heart, his identity – something that is part of who he is.

***

 

We are running up the stairs. Then I am onstage, greeted by the roar of screaming, cheering, shouting, crying, hysterical fans. With the bright lights and cameras flashing, I cannot see the outlines of the stadium but I feel the electric energy emanating from the masses.

I take a couple steps back and position myself next to the fog machine.

“Just stay next to the keyboardist,” the DJ had told me, when he asked me to take pictures with his iPhone. I enter his iPhone password and lift the phone to snap a couple shots of the crowd.

Girls swoon and scramble over each other to get closer to the stage. I hear several high-pitched voices rise above the others declaring their love for Jason Derulo.

My friends, who had not expected to see me at the concert, are texting me – completely dumbfounded to see me onstage, as are my former students, who will later watch the concert on national television somewhere outside of Kigali.

As fans sing along with Jason’s hits, I focus on taking photos with the DJ’s iPhone and my Android. I wish, more than ever before, that I knew how to dance or to stand somewhat less awkwardly.

And just as suddenly as it began, Jason finishes his last song. He rushes off the stage, the rest of us follow. We jump back into the dark SUVs and drive off.

***

“I don’t know anybody who works as hard as I do.”

Jason leans forward and stares at the screen embedded into the back of the passenger seat. It is playing a muted version of “The Sky’s the Limit.”

“Why I got to pay the same as Bill Gates?” he says, “I worked hard to make what I have. Why do I have to be punished for being successful?”

In a couple months, Jason will join other celebrities to support President Obama for reelection, but he is frustrated and deeply disappointed with Obama’s tax policies.

His personal security guard disagrees. The guard tells Jason about a relative who “works really hard too” but still has trouble supporting her family. “You made it and that’s great, but not many people do, so it’s a way for you to give back.”

But being taxed fifty percent of his income is unfair, Jason argues, there should be a separate bracket for “intermediate” wealth.

“What do you think?” he asks me.

I have been listening, quietly glad that those around him are vocal about their differing perspectives.

I tell him that I do not know very much about Obama’s tax policies and, yes, perhaps it isn’t entirely fair that he and Bill Gates are lumped into the same tax bracket.

“But at the same time, I guess from my perspective, maybe if the tax system were different I would not have made it here – I would not have been able to afford a college education and be able to do what I’m doing now.”

***

Back at the Serena Hotel, we watch the concert on Rwanda’s national television.

A couple miscommunications and missed beats draw laughs from the DJ and the band, but otherwise, the team seems pleased with the performance.

The event organizers bring back everything from the VIP room. Except my wallet. Which has my house keys. They promise me that they will find it.

The group starts talking about heading over to K-Club.

“I’m not really sure I want to go,” he tells me.

“You have to. Everyone is already there waiting for you.” I add: “Plus, this is your opportunity to prove that you’re better than Sean Kingston.” I share the story of my unfortunate encounter with Kingston last year. [http://blog.undergradresearch.northwestern.edu/worldisabook/2011/10/09/on-beauty/]

Suite 208 is a mess of overflowing suitcases, designer sneakers scattered over the carpet, white Calvin Klein t-shirts hanging off of tables and chairs.

While J gets ready, the security guard and I listen to Jason’s newest songs – songs that will be released on his next album. [Clue: title of this post].

Earlier, J told me that Michael Jackson was his greatest inspiration growing up, but a search for MJ tracks in Jason’s iTunes turns up 0 results. Why? J says he doesn’t want his work to be influenced by another artist, especially one that has already profoundly inspired his career.

At the moment, J would like to work with Katy Perry – or rather, he clarifies, the writer/inspiration behind Katy Perry.

His favorite actors? Will Smith and Angelina Jolie.

Jams that will get him dancing? OMG (Usher feat. Will.I.Am) and Boom Boom Pow (The Black Eyed Peas).

He has never heard of my favorite, Stereo Love (Edward Maya).

J comes out from his room in a brown skull T-shirt and asks me which shoes he should wear.

I pick the brown ones.

***

 

“Hold my hand,” says one of the twins. We open the doors.

Lights. Paparazzi. Screaming. Hysteria.

I can barely see J in front of me as we force our way through the crowd with security behind, on the sides, in front, at the back. People are grabbing at our clothing, shoving their phones in our faces to take pictures. It feels like I am being carried instead of walking.

Inside, K-Club is filled past capacity and the humidity and stench are stifling. We make our way into the VIP booths, I see a couple familiar faces in the crowd but can’t even lift my arm to wave.

“Damn, I can’t breathe,” he says.

 

The MC stops the music. “JASON DERULO IS IN THE HOUSE!”

Swarms of people push their way toward the booth. All I can see are cameras and phones and frenzied girls.

I look over at him. He is speaking to a waiter, unruffled and seemingly oblivious to the escalating hysteria and pandemonium taking over the club. The twins and personal security guard station themselves in front of our elevated booth, providing a human shield between J and the crazed fans.

The MC is saying something about getting two beautiful girls to dance off and that both will have the opportunity to meet J. Girls start screaming. J shakes his head. He cues the guard, who nods and pulls the curtain. A semblance of privacy.

The DJ starts playing “Breathing” and the crowd roars.

“How do you get used to this?” I ask him.

“You don’t. I mean sometimes it’s really flattering, but no, you never get used to it.”

***

We talk about traveling. Australia is one of his favorite countries. He tells me about his upcoming dance show “Everybody Dance Now” which he will be shooting in Sydney over the next 2.5 months. He asks if I know Kelly Rowlands. I do not. He has me promise to follow his TV show on Youtube.

I tell him about Paris, about the magic of getting off at a different metro stop every day and walking around and meeting people. I love the intimate immersion into a different culture, the chance encounters, the access to incredible life stories that comes with traveling alone.

The more you experience of other people’s worlds, the more free you are, I tell him.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

Cold showers in Rwamagana, for instance. Taking a cold shower every morning not only develops an appreciation for hot water but also demonstrates that yes, you are able to live without hot water. Just like living without electricity or stable internet; when you see that you can live without former “necessities” and even grow to appreciate their absence, you are able to realize greater freedom. Sometimes, the less you have and the more you experience of other lifestyles, the more you’re able to understand and appreciate your own.

“I don’t know about that,” he says, “I like my hot showers.”

***

J opens the bottle, pours, then distributes Red Bull across both glasses. He pours my glass into his, pours his back into mine, measures each evenly, precisely.

I raise my glass. “Cheers.”

“Not yet,” he says, “We need straws.”

He becomes defensive when he sees the look on my face. “I can’t drink it without a straw,” he explains. He tells me about how he never touches the door handles of public restrooms, he uses napkins to open doors and flush toilets.

“Sometimes I even use my foot to flush,” he says. He admits that he is somewhat of a germaphobe.

When the straws are not available, J finally takes a napkin and carefully wipes the rim of my glass and then his. He adds ice cubes.

“If I die, it’s your fault,” he says.

We raise our glasses. “Cheers.”

***

***

“I want to post something from you.”

I look over. He is grinning over the top of his laptop. The sunlight illuminates the “Future History” skull tattoo on his left arm. “Give me something – a quote or something from yesterday.”

I laugh. I tell him I can’t think of anything profound.

“I should have written everything down,” he says.

I suggest ‘Eudaimonia.’

He pauses. “But I don’t think my fans would get that.”

We go to my Facebook page and look through my list of favorite quotes. He chooses the one from Plato: “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” He types it in and clicks ‘Post.’

 

“Watch. Every time I refresh the page it’s going to go up by 500,” he says.

He refreshes the page. The quote already has over 700 likes and over 50 comments.

“And check it out on Twitter too,” he says.

I start reading the comments.

The sheer number of people who may have read the quote and perhaps even been affected or inspired by it overwhelms me.

“You can do so much,” I tell him, “You have the capacity to do so much.”

He tells me about the time when he donated fourteen inches of hair to Locks of Love.

 

 

He looks over. “You got lots to donate.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” I say, and quip, “Maybe when I’m happily settled and I know I no longer need it.”

***

Like most people, J begins his mornings by surfing the “news” – but instead of reading the New York Times or The Economist, J gleans his “news” from celebrity gossip sites such as www.justjared.com. We discuss the recent scandal with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, which he hadn’t known about previously. He starts perusing articles about Chris Brown, Beyonce, etc.

I call my house guard to pick up the extra set of keys from the cleaning lady so that I can return to the house.

We start to talk about Rwanda. J likes the sound of Vision 2020 and starts mumbling “2020 Vision. Vision 2020. That’s good.” I claim that Kagame had a large following on Twitter. J finds the page and shakes his head. “72,000 followers? That’s nothing.” He clicks “Follow.”

“How many followers do you have?” I ask.

“Over a million.”

It is 11:30 AM and it is Solid’Sunday – the last Sunday of the month when Solid’Africa serves food to vulnerable hospital patients. I have to be at the hospital (CHUK) in one hour. I tell J about Solid’Africa, about its mission to aid recovery and help the sick, about the big heart and selflessness of its leader, Isabelle Kamariza. He cannot believe when I tell him that only two blocks away from the five-star hotel people are suffering from sickness and hunger.

My house guard calls. He has the keys. “Okay, I got to go,” I say, “Good bye?”

“I’ll come with you.”

“To the hospital ? Are you sure? You don’t have anything else planned? You’re sure I don’t have to say good bye right now?” I cannot contain my smile.

He grins, assures me that he has no plans except to pack and head to the airport. “Okay, look, here’s my number. Just give me a call when you get back.”

I walk to the door, and look back. I want to preserve this moment, the memory of him sitting on the couch looking at his phone. Just in case.

“See you!” I say. I exit.

***

“C’mon man, let’s go,” said the security guard. “What’s the problem?”

The driver refuses to budge. All of J’s suitcases are packed and already sitting in the trunk. I notice one of the event promoters standing outside my window. I roll it down.

“Where are you guys going?” he says. He looks stressed.

“CHUK,” I reply. I explain that we are going to serve food with Solid’Africa at the hospital. I ask about my wallet. He shakes his head.

“Listen, man, let’s go,” repeats the security guard to the driver, clearly getting frustrated, “She knows where it is, just follow her directions.”

The event organizer nods at the driver and the vehicles move out of the hotel.

At the hospital, Solid’Africa members are waiting at the entrance. We leave the cars and walk to the ward.

Hospital patients, some with missing limbs, many hooked up to IVs, struggle to sit up in beds and stare curiously at J as he walks in. Whispers begin to circulate through the ward, and people start to call out “Jason Derulo” and reach out their hands toward him. Excitement quickly builds.

Behind a line of food buckets, J joins Solid’Africa members to serve rice and vegetables into an eclectic assortment of plastic bowls and plates and cups. Photographers and media crowd the small hallway and push me to the back, but when I see the glow in J’s face I do not feel the jostling and I forget to take photos. Even he seems to be in wonder as he ladles food and smiles at each eager patient he serves.

Too soon, we have to go. He follows me out of the hospital, takes photos with Solid’Africa members and several delighted hospital patients. And then we are walking back to the car.

 

“So how’s the germaphobe feeling?” I ask.

He laughs. “Do you happen to have that hand sanitizer on you?”

I shake my head.

He is still smiling. “No worries. It’s fine.”

We get in the car and head to the airport.

J is silent for a while. “I’m still kind of in shock,” he finally says.

He falls silent again. “I mean, it’s crazy.” He shakes his head, looks down. “Look,” he says. I turn and see him pointing to the food stains crusted on his pants.

“But you were right,” he says.

I wait.

“You’re right. I’m more free now.”

“Damn, I can’t complain anymore!” He puts both hands on his head and sits back, lost in his thoughts. “And I complain about everything – my room, my clothes, people.”

“And these people, they don’t even have food. F***, I can’t complain no more.” He quickly apologizes for his language.

“I am so glad we did that,” he says.

We have to finish the interview so I pull out my computer and ask the remaining questions. “Why did you decide to visit the hospital before you left Rwanda?”

“Well, you see, there was this girl – ”

I look up. He is grinning. “Okay, okay, nah, it was because…”

We arrive at the airport, and drive past the guards through the VIP section. Fans and paparazzi are waiting by the entrance, fortunately not permitted to cross into the VIP parking section. As the others unload the cars and line up the suitcases on the sidewalk, J comes to me.

We stand for a moment. “Let’s take that picture,” he says.

“Oh, right.” I take the lens cap off my camera. He calls over the security guard.

“Can we do something different?” I ask, “Like not your signature pose.”

“Like what?”

We take a silly faces picture, and then a normal faces picture. Fans are calling to him from the side, J walks over for more photos and autographs. I stand at a distance.

J comes back to me. “You have my number, right?”

I nod.

“Call me.”

We stand. The others are ready to go into the airport.

“Good luck with everything – your music, Australia, acting,” I begin. Suddenly the words are coming too fast. I hope that you remember this and that it meant something and that you’ll come back to Africa again.

One of the twins calls him over. The group starts walking toward the security line.

“Wait a moment,” I hear the security guard say.

And then, suddenly, they are all turning and they are coming back to me. The security guard picks me up in a huge bear hug and lifts me high, high into the air.

“Thank you. This has been really great,” he says, “Thank you for everything.”

The twins come over and hug me good bye. They thank me for taking them to the hospital. Joey hugs me and says good bye too.

I look up. J is standing at a distance. He is the one person that I do not hug.

“Eudaimonia,” he says.

I nod.

“I got it.” He winks. Then, he turns and walks away.

For a moment, I stand by the two empty cars. The group moves into the security line and the paparazzi and girls follow them.

Then I cross the VIP barrier and return to my life.

***

The next few days, I wandered and became lost within the old framework. I went to meetings to discuss the next K-TEAM event. I took motos to the Remera bus park, then the Stella Express to Rwamagana. I taught class.

When I went home, I went through the pictures. I downloaded a couple songs. I called representatives of the event promoters for updates on my wallet. They did not respond to my calls or texts.

***

I called my parents.

“I guess it’s just that I’ve never been in this situation where I’ve made such a great connection with someone and they’re just not accessible, like I will never be able to talk to him or see him again, but he’ll always be there and I’ll see his life in the news, I’ll dance to his songs at the clubs. I’ve met so many great people who have inspired me and we’ve had great conversations and connected. But this is different. I feel as if I have lost someone. And that I was wrong. I am so wrong that the experience meant anything.”

I told my parents I couldn’t explain it.

***

After two days, I called his number. It went to voice mail.

After three days, the New Times published my article [http://www.newtimes.co.rw/news/index.php?i=15071&a=56576]

 

That evening, I finally received a call from the event planners. I asked whether they had updates on my wallet.

They told me they had not responded to my calls because they were pissed. They accused me of having “hijacked Jason Derulo” and completely ruining all of the PR they had planned for Jason’s visit. I learned that, apparently, the morning that Jason had come with me to CHUK, they had stationed dozens of media representatives and important sponsors from Primus, Bralirwa, East African Promoters at an orphanage in Nyamirambo.

And Jason never showed up to the orphanage.

“But he told me he had nothing planned,” I tried to explain.

They claimed that the artist is never responsible for his program and he is simply supposed to follow the program that had been set by the event planners. It would have been fine if Jason and I had “gotten coffee”, they said, but how could they explain to CEOs why Jason Derulo ended up at another event.

I apologized. I said I was sorry. Over and over. I explained that I had not known, that the visit to CHUK was not premeditated. I did not intentionally sabotage their plans. I begged them to return my wallet.

They said they would get back to me.

***

After 4 days, Jason’s face had been peeled off of the billboards. I sent a text into the unknown.

Lydia [August 2, 6:14 PM]: Hey Jason – did you get to see the article about you and Solid’Africa? Hope we can stay in touch, I really appreciated our conversations.

After 5 days:

Jason [August 3, 7:04 AM]: I saw a few… Don’t know which one u did. We should absolutely stay in touch. You’re doing amazing things!!!

After 6 days: 

Jason [August 4, 12:13 PM]: On another note, where can ppl find more info and donate to solid Africa?

On August 7, Jason Derulo posted on his facebook page and Twitter with a link to a Youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qotbeWFZNAM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And today, I responded:

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

August 26, 2012

Spreading the Eudaimonia!

 

For me it is all symphonic, and I am so aroused by living –
In you alone I have found the same swelling enthusiasm,
the same quick rising of the blood, the fullness.

Before, I almost used to think there was something wrong.
Everybody else seemed to have the brakes on.

But when I feel your excitement about life flaring, next to mine,
it makes me dizzy.

– Anais Nin, Henry and June

 

I draw my coat tighter and quicken my pace past the imperial guards. Overhead, Mao Ze Dong’s watchful visage carefully scrutinizes all passerby entering the Forbidden City.

Beijing winters are cruel.

I am wearing fur, cashmere, leather, wool – but the cold penetrates all with sinister ease. It seems to mock me; frigidity taunts exposed skin with icy fingers and sneaks its way past layers of fabric. A small coffee shop provides temporary warmth. I purchase an envelope of tissue paper and a cup of milk tea.

I blow my nose.

Back outside, the audio guide leads me past painted gates, across stone courtyards, up and down hundreds of temple steps. Every sip of milk tea must be negotiated: warmth to the hands? Or warmth to the stomach? My cheeks freeze, then burn, then graciously lose sensation.

“Haven’t I already seen this?” becomes a theme.

Each temple, gate, and courtyard looks just like the last. I reach the final temple disappointed, deadened in fingers and toes. A German tourist beckons. He shows me the paparazzi shots he has taken. In one photo, I am walking up steps. In another, I am fixing my hair. In this one, I am sipping tea.

I turn to walk back through the Forbidden City. Why did I ever come here?

Beijing is a city of lines without harmony. Its colors are tired and bleak, its perpetual smog chokes inspiration, its streets are covered in the stains of hacked phlegm. Ennui seeps from rows of identical housing, gaudy jewelry, ill-fitting clothing, raucous voices in the market.

And yet, Beijing, you are the city that has captured me.

 

 

 

When I was younger, I used to keep two journals.

In one, I recorded life as I lived it. In the other, I rewrote my life as I thought it should be lived. An argument with my sister became a sleepover party with friends, an embarrassing moment during gym evolved into a movie date with a high school crush, confessions of unrealized desires and longings translated into sketches of designer outfits from a dream wardrobe.

My teenage existence became a sprawling work of creative non-fiction – literature inspired by real life events but reworked to cater to the expectations and desires of my audience. I narrated my identity according to the specifications of those around me and imagined a “new Lydia” because the “real Lydia” wasn’t enough – not intelligent enough, not beautiful enough, not cool enough.

But when I grew older, I no longer needed the journals.

Instead of continuing to rewrite my personal narrative, I learned to retreat to a library cartel in 4N or a basement bathroom stall of Crescendo and take ten or fifteen minutes to rejuvenate for the next round of life as “Lydia” — the one I had created.

 

“Doesn’t it exhaust you?” my friend asked.

Three years ago, no one wanted shards. They looked at the fragmented remains without recognition. Familiar eyes asked “Who are you?” and others said, “Maybe she’s just going through a phase.” They searched for the original but too many pieces were missing, too many pieces had crumbled. They waited and waited, but then they also turned and walked away.

Survival necessitated reinvention.

I am finished with myself, with my sacrifices and my pity, with what chains me. I am going to make a new beginning. I want passion and pleasure and noise and drunkenness and all evil. But my past reveals itself inexorably, like a tattoo mark. I must build a new shell, wear new costumes. – Anais Nin

At 16, love was the only compelling reason for which to live.

At 20, love was dead.

“What do you think I should order?” I asked them.

Some suggested their favorite dishes. Others tried to gauge preferences or said they didn’t know. Still others offered to pick two main courses and share family-style.

I adjusted accordingly to differing tastes and personalities. I learned the art of negotiation and devised strategies to assess individual strengths, weaknesses, character, values, preferences. I balanced my own strengths to present a highly-personalized performance. Over time, I attained trust and access to the life stories of ministers, models, musicians, ambassadors, professors, businessmen, actors, engineers. It became a tantalizing game, an elaborate research project in which I tested inputs, observed outputs, recorded results.

I concluded that people are fundamentally the same – everyone desires love and empathy.

But these I was determined to give and resolved never to receive. Even as I acquired intimacy and learned the life philosophies of others, the empathetic persona I performed was not a real reciprocation. At 20, I thought my life’s supply of love had been exhausted. I could not feel – could not love, could not hate, could not cry, could not laugh – I had nothing left to offer but utility.

798 is an exception.

In the art district of Beijing, every corner and sidewalk unveils a surprise that is as disjointed as it is harmonious with its surroundings. A jolly red Buddha dances upon the curb. A bronze warrior raises his spear against an encroaching circle of wolves. A lazy green giant yawns over rolls of fat.

 

The bowl of noodles startles me.

Oyster misua (蚵仔麵線) recalls a moment of savory warmth from my childhood.

Then, there are the Shanghainese meatballs (獅子頭, shi zi tou), pineapple cakes (鳳梨酥, fong li su), Chinese water spinach (空心菜, kong xin cai), steamed buns (小籠包, xiao long bao), beef noodle soup (牛肉麵, niu rou mian) – names and smells and tastes that exude memories of intimacy and familiarity. I recall embroidered slippers, a garden of roses, a bowl of black cherry ice cream, a deck of cards.

But I am still a waiguoren, a foreigner. I try to speak and I stumble over Mandarin words.

You laugh and tell me that I sound like a child. I pout.

A ballerina glides onstage, a shimmering, trembling, gauzy vision. She opens her arms and reaches toward me, toward us. Graceful, violent fingers dance across strings, plucking and strumming a song from the depths; a melody that recalls pain and beauty, grief, elation and despair. The swan’s sorrow rises and Tchaikovsky weaves back the theme, now tenuous and somber, always bittersweet. Heavy mist approaches and envelops her.

You reach for my hand.

I am unprepared for this.

But when I turn to look at you and your eyes meet mine, the brakes squeal too late – and then, in that split-second before vehicles collide, I realize I am not alone.

In Paris, I found Beauty.

In Rome, I found Simplicity.

In Hong Kong, I found Clarity.

In Tokyo, I found Expression.

And, in Beijing, I found the final, missing piece.

 

 

For so long, I desired to conquer myself. I lived to dismantle and prove that I am more than me, I am better than me, I am anything but me.

But you expose the dissonances.

Ignore the signs. Let us find beauty in age and brokenness. Let us wander down the uneven, forbidden path and realize the Great splendor of a crumbling Wall. Let us explore the remains of a torn-down neighborhood and resurrect the buildings of your past.

Let us put aside practicality, memory, warning, inconvenience, control, fear – and let us, for a moment, live intuitively and lose our minds in what Life has given us.

 

The kisses linger a little longer as the days fly. The cold becomes bearable within the grasp of your hand.

Beneath laser lights at Atmosphere, the New Year tears away the mask and sheds the old way of living. Fried street food absorbs Grey Goose as rattling carts pull us to our next destination. At The Door, “Two girls, six cups” proves to be more than one girl can handle.

And then suddenly we are at the cusp.

A black velvet dress from a vintage store in Le Marais accompanies black stilettos from Kigali, sheer black tights from Tokyo, a gray scarf from Hong Kong, pearl earrings from Chicago, a glass necklace from Venice, a wool coat from Galeries Lafayette, a butterfly ring from Jarabacoa.

All the pieces have come together. Rwanda awaits my return.

We try to lengthen the minutes. We exchange songs and take photos, attempting to capture and bridge beyond the moment. And then we are in the car, suitcases in the trunk, passport and flight itinerary in hand. Last week, we joked about this final dinner. But now, neither of us is laughing.

We pull into an empty parking lot and walk hand in hand past empty white panels through a courtyard equally bare. “Green T. House Living,” reads the sign. I wonder if we are at the right place. But the moment we step inside, my uncertainty vanishes. My eyes take in the graceful arching of branches, the curved surface of the fish bowl, the cream-colored futons, the shifting lights from purple, to lavender, blue, and yellow. I am overwhelmed by the conviction and certainty of our belonging here, as if our presence is somehow justified in this space at this time, on this date – that this moment is ours.

I don’t remember our conversation, and if I had not taken the photos, I would have also forgotten the exquisite tastes that accompanied our words. But I remember the feeling of that hour, as if the air was saturated with time and experience, and everything — the past, the present, the future, the music, the hope, the betrayal, the pain, the pride, the despair, the travels, the stories — had all fused into some sort of strange and breathless magic.

I didn’t expect this and I never wanted this, but when I thought of taking my eleventh and final flight back to Kigali, I knew what I did not want to know.

It was painful. It hurt to remember and to be conscious in this way. Everything outside of this raw conviction rejected what I knew and told me to deny it, bury it, run away from it. But I had tasted love again — and the possibility of pain and rejection become irrelevant. Love was enough. I was enough. And because I was enough, I did not fear the utterance of those three words.

The magic became heavy, it pulsed and shimmered and throbbed. Your reciprocation was too much. It made the magic overflow, and suddenly we are Walking in the Air.

The magic follows us to the Beijing Capital International Airport. I wonder about the meaning of good bye and how to say good bye, I think about whether maybe it is better this way, and what will happen to us and why did this happen.

I look up at the departure board.

Ethiopian Airlines Flight 3015 to Kigali is canceled.

 

Impossible.

 

Ethiopian Airlines Flight 3015 to Kigali is canceled.

Ethiopian Airlines Flight 3015 to Kigali is canceled.

Ethiopian Airlines Flight 3015 to Kigali is canceled.

 

Distraught customers call their travel agencies, reschedule their flights, yell at airline officials.

In the midst of chaos, we stand and embrace without words as the magic approaches and envelops us.

 

 

On the drive home, moments from the past ten days take on sudden import and significance – ABBA at Christmas Eve. Spontaneous Ferragamos. Soaked black lace. Giggling in the massage chair. Anais Nin at Page 1.

It is January 3 and we are sitting in an empty jazz bar amidst the smokey haze of Parisian cigars. The performers wrap up their set and the bar prepares to close.

You come to sit by my side. You tell me that this is right and that you want this, that it is worth it.

I tell you that this is wrong, it doesn’t make sense, it will never work, this was not what either of us wanted, that it is impossible —

But I know I feel the same — and “Yes” is written all over my eyes, my heart, my lips.

Like you, I may not know what will happen, where we’ll be, when we’ll see each other again, whether this will work out — but at this moment and this point in time, I know one thing and this I cannot deny.

The whispered “YES” shatters everything else.

 

And the rest is a blur.

We start to watch “Roman Holiday” but before it is finished, it is time for me to leave.

This cannot be contained. Over 6,113 miles of oceans and mountains and continents and time differences and internet difficulties and opposing lifestyles and diverging career paths – no, this cannot be contained.

What can I do with my happiness? How can I keep it, conceal it, bury it where I may never lose it? I want to kneel as it falls over me like rain, gather it up with lace and silk, and press it over myself again.

In retrospect, it is better that you viewed the final message alone.

“So happy.”

 

Thank you, Beijing, for the missing piece.

 

 

It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion;

it is easy in solitude to live after our own;

but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd

keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self-Reliance” (via Lili)

 

Tokyo is the familiar and the unexpected. 

It is the harmonious pairing of extremes – the quiet juxtaposition of ramen and pornography, the retention of tradition and liberation of lingerie, the reunion of memory and reality, the conservative presentation of thigh-high stiletto boots, leather mini-skirts, circle lenses, and spiked blonde hair. 

Tokyo is individually-packaged identical strawberries that are too perfect to eat.

 

Tokyo was not part of the original plan.

I was on the verge of booking the tickets for my Euro-Asia trip when I received the email. An old door opened where another had closed, and the familiarity of the door beckoned to me. Here was a return to something I once knew, something that was now veiled in a mystery that allured me.

I checked – the marginally higher ticket prices sealed the deal – and Tokyo became an addendum, a question mark that held more uncertainties than answers.

 

Of all the cities I visited, Tokyo was the only one for which I did not develop an itinerary. 

Of all the cities I visited, Tokyo is the one I should have researched most.

 

When I arrived at Narita International Airport, I spent nearly five minutes of complete confusion with a customs official who repeated a Japanese word over and over and attempted to communicate with gestures at my purse and stamping motions before I realized: He’s asking for my passport.

I had never been to a country where airport staff did not know how to say “passport” in English. 

This discovery was quickly followed by the realization that many Japanese people barely know how to say anything in English, and will repeat the same words in Japanese as if somehow the repetition will magically translate into English. [Americans do this too].

It was actually refreshing to finally visit a non-tourist friendly country that is, first and foremost, a country for its people. 

Venice (my least favorite city on this trip) revolves around tourists and tourist-hounding merchants who reside in the city solely to entice people to purchase wares, most of which aren’t even manufactured in Venice. 

But Tokyo – Tokyo is a city where you become the unremarkable “other” and people don’t really give a damn whether you approve, complain, come, go, stay, etc. – so they don’t bother to solicit you, engage you, include you, impress you. 

And yet, you are still impressed. 

Six months in Rwanda have transformed your smart phone into a status symbol, your miniature netbook into a piece of advanced technology, and most of your personal possessions into rare gems. 

Tokyo is a role reversal. 

All of a sudden, you are the one to gape. You marvel at the perfected efficiency and design. You stare quizzically at household contraptions that you don’t understand, and when the meaning becomes clear you say “Aha!” and wonder why they don’t sell more of these outside Japan. You smile at the cuteness factor of every sign and display. You spent extra minutes on the toilet so you can play with all the buttons. 

But what makes your eyes open widest are…

 

THE CLOTHES.

 

Forget Milan. Forget Paris. 

I swear Tokyo is the fashion capital of the world. 

At Galeries Lafayette in Paris, you see beautiful and impeccably well-dressed women everywhere. But they all seem to adhere to the same formulas, the same high-end designer brands. Yes, the pairing and layering and combining is important; but it’s honestly hard to go wrong with clothes that are already mini-perfected creations. 

Same goes for Milan. 

But I’ve never seen anything like the style in Tokyo. 

For one thing, there’s no formula. 

There are a disproportionately high number of well-dressed people in Tokyo and all of them seem to have a uniquely perfected style. You can’t really identify brands from what they wear, and it is never so much about the individual items so much as how the colors and textures and shapes are mixed and matched into an aesthetically-wowing result. 

Shopping on Harajuku Street and people-watching on the subways and in ramen shops was like watching a live fashion show.

 

 

I loved Tokyo for its liberation of style, the freedom for people to wear whatever they want without social stigma and judgment, the culture’s encouragement of creativity and eccentricity. 

However, as captivated as I was by the fashion around me, I knew that these expressions were adapted to the unique character of each individual. I could certainly not pull off studded leather necklaces, nor would I feel comfortable wearing ginormous pink bows in my hair.

 

Tokyo encouraged me to embrace self-expression and individuality.

But it taught me to first know myself.

For a long time, I gravitated toward clothing that I thought I should desire.

When I was young, I dressed like everybody else.

I wore A&F capris that shortened my legs, I applied VS eyeshadow that bruised my eyes, I squeezed myself into too-tight dresses that made it impossible to breathe. I wanted a Prince Charming that was tall, handsome, rich, brave, kind, and funny.  

As I grew older, I started to invest in clothing because of its reputation. Instead of finding clothing that suited my body, I learned to value brands because of their association with high-quality, status, wealth, or success.

I would purchase the navy-blue Theory suit or the perfect pair of Seven jeans, I would date the accomplished model or the professional athlete, and I would feel delighted because I had snagged a designer item in my size at 70% off. “How could I not buy it?” or “Why would I not date him?” became the logic, and I’d congratulate myself, “What a steal!” 

But when the purchases looked awful and the relationships fell apart, instead of accepting that the clothing wasn’t designed for me, I’d critique myself and try to find ways to force it to work.

Why don’t I have longer legs? Why aren’t my eyelids bigger? Why can’t I shrink my stomach?

Why don’t I like to watch Dexter? Why can’t I cook? Why do I act so awkward when I’m around his friends?

 

 Why am I not good enough? 

And then I would make excuses to keep trying.

 

Maybe I should lose weight.

Maybe I should try pairing it with something else.

Maybe I should call more often.

Maybe I should call less often.

Maybe I should make more female friends.

Maybe I should take cooking lessons.

Maybe I should give him space.

 

I subscribed to a certain logic that “If it’s a designer item and it doesn’t work, then there must be something wrong with me.” I would keep clothing because I thought it must work somehow, I would continue a relationship because I felt that if I invested enough time or effort it would eventually work out.

 

Well, turns out clothing doesn’t work that way.

And people don’t work that way either.

 

I am still learning about myself. 

But self-knowledge is helping me to better understand my interactions with other people and to accept that healthy relationships cannot be rationalized or forced. I am learning that love and value and acceptance do not have to come from a single source.

 

I wanted it to work. 

For a long time, I tried to make sense of it all. 

But now that I know myself better, I realize that it does not have to make sense. If it is meant to work, it will work. And if it doesn’t, that does not mean that there is a problem with you or me, or you and me, but perhaps we both have yet to find a better match. 

Thank you for showing me this beautiful city – I am excited to see what time will bring for us both. 

V.v.V